So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
