Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
