Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
