I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
