im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
