i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
