Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
