hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I am midnight drunk by noon
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
