im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
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