dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
