awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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