i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You brought string cheese to the strip club
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
