i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
