next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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