Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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