3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
you had me at cake vodka
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
