My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
