it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
