Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just had sex on a roof
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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