i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
