im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
