once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
you inspire me to be a worse person
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
