She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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