I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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