I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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