How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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