I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
