mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
