her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
