A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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