All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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