i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
