Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
