Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Randomize
