why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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