God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize