my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
