If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
