What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
