I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize