I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
