If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
