i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
