we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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