We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I feel like a drive thru vagina
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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