Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
