so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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