My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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