after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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