Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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