I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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