I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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