i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
