so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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