he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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