I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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