I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Do vagina's smell?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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