Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
