Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
