Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
