You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
