Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
