Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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