you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
my nose is crying tears of wow.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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